Frank Zappa

I've never liked Frank Zappa's music. Didn't like GTO either so I guess FZ was somewhere way way out of my musical taste. Bought his biography today though. I was looking through it yesterday and read a little about his home life. One of his children said something about going to school and seeing the other kids had normal parents. How many kids say this sort of thing, huh? What the f*ck is normal? I take it FZ didn't abuse his kids (the family had taught their two year old daughter to say "F*ck off pervert" if approached by a lone man), beat the family or do any of the other sadistic things that can go on behind closed doors in outwardly "normal" families.

So what is this with "normal" ?

Hopefully "normal" doesn't include any kind of sadistic behaviour. But what people see as outwardly normal can be hiding a lot of things.

Having said that I wouldn't have liked to have been brought up in the Zappa household I don't think from the little I read. Anyway the book should be an interesting read. Pity I don't like the music.

I do know a bit about him. He was a bit of a sexist from what I've heard which makes me wonder why Germaine Greer used to like him so much.

Possibly on the mend

Went out for a walk this evening and felt better than I have for a while and enjoyed the walk, felt more relaxed and wasn't so conscious of feeling ill.

Thought a lot while I was out. Was thinking about the conversation I'd had with the guy on the train for a while. We'd talked about how people in power manipulated other people. Dictators. Talked about present day and past politics. Music, past and present. Got to start talking about the Quo and the conversation ended up talking about the early Quo and the present line up.


Thought about relationships, things I'd read on message boards and music. Started thinking about Jeff Beck's album Truth and I remembered listening to it when I was about 18. I can still kinda remember the atmosphere as I was listening. I had a coloured light on and the room was quite dark really and I can still remember just how I felt listening to the music. I still can feel that way sometimes. But I was thinking about the difference between me then and now. thinking about all the different experiences I have in my head now from having lived and experienced so much. thinking about how all these years I've lived are stored in my brain and the difference between me then when I was listening to that album and me now when I listen to it. Just looking back to the me then from the me now.

Age gap relationships

Was reading the Independent yesterday and came across an article about age gap relationships. It was about older women dating younger men, something that must be a media issue at the moment because I saw a header to a Vanessa Feltz article on the same subject a week or so back which I didn't actually get round to reading so can't comment on it. Anyway I was pleased to see in the Independent's article that someone had managed to write a whole page on the subject without calling the guys toy boys once.

I guess I'm a little surprized it's much of an issue as I don't even notice it anymore. I think the last time I was even aware was about ten years ago when I met some people where there was about a fifteen year age gap and I think I might have been more interested in the woman's amazing hair anyway. Possibly might have remembered too because she seemed a little nervous about the difference in ages I thought. I can still picture them in my mind very well. He was well cool too.

I was rather surprized that the age differences between the three couples interviewed were only 8,9 and 10 years. I mean .... 8 years. But I guess it's just the people you mix with that make you think like that because one of the men interviewed was rather creepy. There he was with his partner in a photo where she was holding their baby and the pratt said something like that he didn't know how he would feel about any changes in her body in about ten years time,he'd just have to wait and see. He was in his early 30s,she in her early 40s. She'd just had his baby for f**ks sake. I mean he really sounds a catch doesn't he.

I didn't much like the article at all to be honest and would've much prefered it to have been about age gap relationships in general because I thought as it was that it sold older women short. I really didn't like the quote about women having more testosterone after the menopause so at that age presumably in their late 40s or early to mid 50s they'd be up and doing a lot while the men at that age were slowing down which rather made the guys sound as if they were having trouble picking up the remote control to change TV channels. From what I've seen it all rather depends on the person's personality rather than gender.

There is a thread on the same subject on age gap relationships and the guys there didn't seem to see any problems.

I do wish that it had just been positive about age gap relationships in general instead of concentrating on older women/younger men so that it'd just seem normal. Which it is.

I've seen articles with women in their 40s and 50s saying that men their own age bore them. Heard them saying it too. Until recently it wasn't something that was of any interest to me in a personal way but things change. It sure depends on the guy. I was sitting on a train a few weeks ago and there were some guys in their late 20s/early 30s talking .. cricket and also making some bad and rather sexist jokes. They changed when they saw what I was reading but by this time my brain had registered boring, crap, sexist shits. Today I was on a train and I had a really interesting conversation with a 50 year old guy and he was really cool to chat to about a lot of things.

Read an article a little while ago by A N Wilson where he was talking about Eric Clapton and his young wife, a relationship that apparently is going very well despite a large age gap. I think she's in her 20s. Mr Wilson was saying that an age gap like that was his and supposedly all men's dream. Well, I suppose that tells us about A N Wilson anyway. I was wondering after reading that if older women are just echoing the same sentiments about younger men that he was about younger women after getting so fed up with hearing it for so long. I guess Mr Wilson is possibly one of the boring older men they are talking about. All men in their early 60s or around that age just want women in their 20s do they. Maybe that's what women are finding so boring, possibly both a lot of older and younger women.


Anyway I can say that not all 50 year old guys are looking for women in their 20s. Some like women around their own age Mr Wilson.

And for the older women I can say that in my very limited experience of men that there are 50 year old guys who aren't at all boring.




Just to add that this is about adults in age gap relationships.

Tina Turner

How I love Tina Turner's music


(And Status Quo)




Status Quo ... Tina Turner ... Status Quo ... Tina Turner ... Status Quo ... Tina Turner ... Status Quo ... Tina Turner


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Quo are just appearing everywhere at the moment aren't they.

Relationships

I read the relationships forum on the bag quite a lot. I've found it interesting. I was going to reply to something tonight but I still feel rather out of it because of the colds I've had so maybe I won't. I'm just rather whoozy.

The way I relate to what I read there has changed quite a bit since I first started reading.

It's really helped me a lot and obviously has a lot of the people who post there and I guess people who just read as well. It's helped me stop and think about things. I've watched as people meet someone and immediately any form of detachment seems to fly out of the window. Thinks of charming, manipulative, using and unpleasant, younger Paul Newmanish look alike relative and immediately goes into "And who are you then" enquiry mode for self protection.

Quite a lot of what I've read there has surprized me. It's been really interesting to read about people's feelings. Taught me a lot.

Tired

Just a tired and achy though getting better lemuure.

Reduced fat humous and the space bar

One tub of reduced fat humous from Tesco, some rice cakes and a computer. One space bar. No more need be said really.

Hint:OnetubofreducedfathumousfromTesco,somericecakesandacomputer.

What a cold can do

Before I came down with this latest cold I was getting ready to just get back into things. Had been reading about the European Court of Justice coming down on the side of passing sentences in criminal cases rather than just informing the member state of its decision and was going to write about that and the history of the UK's view that European law is constitutes a major erosion of parliamentary sovereignty because one Tory MP was saying that again about this decision. Remembering learning the early cases and Lord Denning's views on the subject just came back into my mind as I was thinking about it. Head cold and voila not gone but a bit difficult to get from mind to keyboard. Still, I think the cold is clearing but I don't feel too well mainly I think because I hadn't recovered from the first bug that affected my spine and neck. But I do know now that it's all in there somewhere.

Anyway, I think my priority really has to be moving. Just pleased to find that all the time I sent learning all that wasn't for nothing because it is still in there.

Cold (2)

I caught a pretty unpleasant virus a while back and it lingered on and on. Now I think I've caught another cold before the symptoms of the first one have gone. I've just been resting most of the day. Was out a little this morning but then came back and rested and think I'm better for it.

Phoned for a chat because I felt I'd like to be cuddled and that is a first for a very, very long time. Actually feeling that. And then being able to admit it.

I can do without touch. I found that out a long time ago. I can pin point easily when I started feeling like that, it was before not liking people touching me. Well, I can pin point to the general time anyway.

I just felt quite ill today and I'd really just like to have nestled up and dozed. But c'est ne pas possible.

I usually like coping with illness, injury and things like that by myself. Injury I just become practical about getting on with things and often don't realise how bad an injury is or push aside the knowledge anyway. With illness, well I just cope the best I can.

The healthy eating is still much better than it was. There are chips tonight with the lentil curry but they are the big thick oven ones. I've been drinking rather a lot of sugar free drinks again instead of my usual water and possible that isn't that good an idea. I've been thinking of just having a glass of wine or something with my dinner as it's meant to have health benefits. I don't drink alcohol but I know a lot of it isn't vegan so if I do that I'm going to have to do find out what I can drink. Anyway it's just a thought.

I'm trying to include what I know about healthy eating in my diet but when you're feeling ill it is a problem to be bothered at times.

I can hear much better again now but there's still a sort of tender feeling round there and me neck and spine. And another cold on top of it all.

So off to the kitchen. Chips, lentil curry and salad and some bread.

Off I potter.

and more

The two latest lemuures to come out of the forest


http://www.timeforkids.com/TFK/news/story/0,6260,1098716,00.html

Lemuure docteurs

http://www.primates.com/lemurs/self-medicate.html


A visit to the herb garden.

Repeat

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/article312997.ece


It'll only be up for a few more hours if the independent are going to have it as a pay to view article because their articles are only free for three days.

It's about ice mass loss again.

Some results are obvious but not all. Damage limitation is the only way now isn't it. No one can predict everything that's going to happen and scientists have made one mistake after another as far as climate change goes.

But there you go.

LDR's

Well long distance for the next three weeks or so. But I feel ok now but felt lonely for a while at the thought of being apart again. There's a closeness there anyway because of knowing quite a bit about how the other person thinks and reacts.

In the right hands it's a strength not a vulnerability.

Baby lemuure with flowers

http://www.northrup.org/photos/crap/Animals2/nl-57.htm



and more.

OOoohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Reading in a newspaper on the train yesterday that in some cultures men steal womens' ideas infront of the woman and behave as if the woman hasn't spoken at all. One woman has learnt to say "I'm pleased to hear that you liked my idea so much that you had to repeat it"

This is in a corporated society apparently.

This is a strange process and obviously lengthens company meetings if everytime a woman has an idea a man has to pretend it's his and the woman then has to say I'm pleased to hear that you liked my idea so much that you had to repeat it. Surely this is a rather time wasting procedure and should be done away with so that everyone can go and have tea earlier.

Slightly diff lemuures

Cannot hear on the telephone

Or off the telephone for that matter.

Off the phone I show people the Rick Parfitt hand sign - the up thumb for when things are good, AND both two finger V shaped hand symbols

INTERESTING TIP. I have found that it is best to practice these alone or in the company of people you know well.


THE PEACE SIGN.


A V sign using the 1st and 2nd fingures. Turn your hand so that your knuckles are facing away from you and hold your 1st and 2nd fingures in a V sign, curl the remaining fingures and your thumb into your hand. This is the Peace sign.

It is a sign of good will.



The other sign is slightly different and can be used when someone is asking you or being asked to leave the room. It is the same as the peace sign but you have to turn your hand outward so that the palm of your hand faces outwards.


These signs are very useful when with a person who has wax in the ears or a bad cold.

Or I could even put up the right link the first time

http://primatecenter.duke.edu


but that's what happens in the bleary early hours of the morning I guess


picture changes when you refresh page.

Prejudice

I found myself in the middle of one of my own prejudices. It's been a changing experience for me, not just for the changes it's brought for me as far as relationships go, but also as far as looking at some of the ways I think. I knew there were one or two other things hanging around too that I had to sort out. I had a couple of "attitudes" I needed to have a look at.

I have one more to work on then as far as I know I've got over them.

I'd thought about all this for quite a long time, one attitude in particular, but I never did anything about it. Logically I knew that I was being absolutley stupid but I had some perculiar block. The strange thing was that I hadn't always felt like this but it had evolved as a kind of reaction to some people and then had become hard to stop feeling in general. I used to think how stupid I was for it as well because I knew that basically it was a load of crap. Anyway that's gone. I don't even know why it was there because I did know how absolutely stupid I was being.

I just have this one more to do.

And it's really going against the grain of society. It's about seeing a person as a soul I guess first and foremost.

Debrainwash. Debrainwash. Debrainwash. Debrainwash.

.

Adopt a lemuure

lovely lemuure wallpaper

Just look at the expression in those eyes


http://www.worldwildlife.org/wildplaces/mad/index.cfm



Adopt a lemmure

A different picture when you refresh though I couldn't get the mouse lemuure more than once which is a shame

http://primatecenter.duke.edu

Vanishing blogs

Blogs will disappear at times and then resurface just as before though in a new form especially when they need to be edited and they are rather long.

A hard working Lemuure

Still a bit of a headache but getting back to working. And happy about it.


Does happy dance.

Lemuure's journals

1) Presses da button .................................................. Oooooops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though still there to be found



2) Changes content .................................................... Oooooops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




That was cool.

Wommin lemmuries

Protect the group. TICK. Tell me about it.

Get the best foods. ER.... Mixture of the chocoolate, hooly hoopies, crispies and broccoooli and soya yogs and similar.


Choose their own partner .. TICK.


Probably used to organise rafting outings to Madagascar and near by islands in times of stress. NOT YET.

Friends

I saw the woman I thought had gone off with out speaking yesterday and we had a longish chat. I realised how silly I'd been because she actually notes the days when she doesn't see me so she really does think of me as a friend.

She wanted quite a bit of advice yesterday and I knew where she could get help in one case and could give her a bit of advice to think over in others. I mean it's up to her I could just say what I felt about things.

I saw her again a bit later on and she just had this glow about her. And I thought gosh that's all it takes sometimes to make someone happy. Just sit and talk to them and be kind and help them out. I mean, she's fine, she's pleasant, there's no problems.


I was thinking about age though as well. When I was her age I had friends older than me and I didn't think anything of it. I didn't actually notice that much to be honest. But since I've been trotting into middle age myself I have put barriers up a bit in that respect. I was doing it at 30 as well thinking back though differently then. Always had friends older than me and obviously a bit younger as well but I felt that teenagers and possible early 20s should be out having fun with their own age group rather than being around me.

Maybe I wasn't quite right there. Though I think as friends go there's a difference then and now. There's more of a generation gap and perhaps it makes just being friends easier in some ways. We sure have a lot of information to pass over from one side to the other and loads of stuff to chat about.

We've interests in common as far as the future goes. I mean I don't care for myself much really. My life has tired me out I think and though I'm very sad at the thought of leaving people I couldn't care less in other respects, but I do for for my friends.

I sometimes think what would I feel if I was faced with these problems at their age. Guess it would be pretty bad. Don't know to be honest.

Lemuures Tree Collective

Save the trees.

Pottered around to make signs then realised they're paper


AND MADE OUT OF TREES.


Will have to think of a different tactic



Sistas chain yourself to the trees


Actually being chained to a tree is probably pretty boring.



BRUVVAS CHAIN YOURSELF TO THE TREES.


Lemuure feels that maybe the bruvvas can do the protecting this time.

Bit better anyway

Most of the pain has gone though my muscles are still stiff and contracted a bit out of place. Will take a painkiller just to ease the discomfort for the day I think. Wouldn't if I was staying in but it'll stop me being distracted by my achy muscles, though it is just an ache and not the pain it was now.

Not going to do much today and hope I'm more or less well tomorrow.

that bag situation

Well, one of the guys acquaintences got in touch with the woman to tell her that the guy is a jerk. And the guy who got in touch wasn't on the make either as he's just about to go to live in France with his girlfriend.

I was right all along but the other women seemed to think this guy was the best thing going. One person said that they wouldn't want to be spoken to the way he spoke to her over something but everyone else ignored it and went on about how he was the best example of new man that they'd ever come across. To me he appeared to be very manipulative and not at all sincere and unpleasant.

One woman who appeared to have joined the thread for the purpose of attacking the woman who'd been badly treated said it was just his age. I don't think so. It seemed a bit more to me and I think she should be very grateful that things happened as they did. I thought there were signs that he was quite abusive.

Not that I'm always right by any means but I thought the signs were quite clear regardless of what else he was doing.

I think there must always be signs because no abuser could keep their personality totally under wraps for a long time. It's just spotting them isn't it and being able to distinguish what's what.

This was a LDR but just the little I knew certainly had me worried.

Anyway best of luck to her in the future.

Lemuuries

Information about lemuures

http://www.pbs.org/edens/madagascar/creature2.htm


http://www.thewildones.org/Animals/lemur.html



Spent a fascinating hour googling and reading, the only thing I knew before was that they lived in Madagascar.

Chocoolate protest

A sheepish lemuure admits to a Green and Blacks chocoolate protest.

Displaced lemuures

They also reached the Comores Islands though no one knows how they got there either. Lemuures work very hard to conserve the forests where they live dispersing the seeds from the fruit they eat to grow new trees but cannot keep up with the deforestation and so are losing their homes and food supplies.

Lemuure island

Most lemuures live on an island off the continent of Africa. No one knows how they managed to get there as the island broke away from the mainland before any lemuures were born. It is though they might have rafted there on pieces of vegetation.

In Lemuure society

In lemuure society females are dominant .. this means they get to have all the best food. I think this means that you have to give the men the Huuly Hoops and crispies and chocoolate.

I wish women would stop beating themselves up

Reading the bag again. Have to admit I was very happy to see an Audre Lorde quote there: one of my heroines. But aside from that it just saddens me to see women so down on themselves when other people have treated them badly. It's what society does to women isn't it. I'm sure most men wouldn't be going through these mental contortions of shame and guilt when they've done nothing wrong. They complain about society but it's women who seem to actually do the blaming themselves for things that other people do on the whole. I must say that some of the bag are good at helping women over this.

I guess I'd be considered rather prudish as regards my own behaviour on the whole but I don't put other people down for how they choose to live their lives providing they're not hurting anyone cause that would make me some kind of bullying bigot. Some women seem to internalise a lot of misogyny.

Change

I have to thank all the people who have helped me and been there for me over the last couple of years. I realise my life is going to change and I think that was why I was feeling so nervous yesterday and I felt rather lonely because I'm leaving what was in a lot of ways a safe space. There has been a lot of presure and responsibility but not as much as there's going to be in the future.

The thing is in peoples eyes I've been so competent and unfazable and to me I'm just me. I know I've got a quick mind and I've lots of experience in life often gained the hard way and this gives me an edge at times because I've had to think quickly and to the point. But it doesn't make me quite as knowledgeable and competent as people think. Even my being funny I think grew as a survival skill both as a social thing and to help protect my mind at times. People think it's a sign of great intelligence or so someone said the other day. Well, maybe that's funny

Computers

Almost messed up my work and personal computer but I think it's ok. Have got a headache again and wasn't really thinking what I was doing. Think I'm going to have to go and see a doctor too as the stiffness and pain has gone up from my back into my neck and head. See how it goes but it's pretty painful.

Weird thread on the bag, sounds like someone's using someone elses name on there. More of the why does he treat me so cruelly if he loves me too. I guess these people just really get their heads messed around by their partners and that's why they can't cope. Best to leave early on if there are any signs of abuse I think. Still find it hard to understand how a year on someone who was badly treated is still obsessed and "in love" with the bloke who behaved like that.

Still feeling strange about yesterday but there's more a feeling of just being grounded now than being nervous, still a bit nervous though I have to admit but I guess that will pass and some of it might be this cold I've got or had. Thought I'd got rid of it and I was just left feeling stiff but I'm not so sure now.

Anyway better go and get sorted I guess.

Handbag and whatever else I've written

I really wish there'd been something like Handbag when I was younger. Been reading it again and it really is a help to a lot of the posters there. Haven't got any problems to post about in Relationships and I would post there because the bag isn't full of misogynistic men and small minded bigots. The guys there actually seem quite emotionally intelligent on the whole. Suppose I could mozzie over to GC or something. Haven't got any pets or babies or plants, though the latter will be rectified soon.

Deserted the forums I was posting on when I became ill but will be back soon.


Though have mounds and mounds of work to do now.


Which I'm pleased about on the whole but also as I mentioned before am a bit nervous about and also scared of letting myself down.

I like pottering around in the background but realise that this isn't always going to be possible if things continue as they are at the moment. I have realised this for sometime now. I either get on with things or I .......................................... don't really know what they other option is.

Though illness is slowing things down a bit.


I like usefully pottering around in the background.

Despammed

Have finally put on the word verification.

Trust

I thought I'd lost a friend a couple of days ago. I thought she'd left without saying goodbye and I was very hurt. I was totally wrong. But thinking that she had gone made me feel very vulnerable and it really hurt. I thought that it might be a generation gap thing, she's a uni student, and although she's always saying that I'm her friend and that she values my friendship I thought perhaps she didn't so much as people her own age. Well, I was wrong. Yes, I just totally lost trust in someone for no reason at all. Now I feel a bit tearful and guilty because of my own behaviour, not that I said anything to anyone, it's just that I know myself that I thought these things about her. I mean we get on as if we were the same age except that she thinks that I'm very very wise which isn't quite the case I think. I think that she knows quite a lot that I don't which is probably how she should see me, but,no, she puts me in the v..e..r..y wise category. But the age gap thing has just gone in a friendship were we just get on very well and share the same sense of humour. But I thought she'd just gone because she didn't really consider me as much a friend as people her own age. I was very very wrong indeed. She really missed me and thought I knew where she was. She had actually told me but I hadn't picked up the dates properly.

I'm just wondering what that says about me. I guess I felt vulnerable in the friendship because of the age gap. I think I'm her only friend of my age too. And there is no vulnerability there because of the age gap. I had thought that up all on my own. She loves me as a very good friend to talk to and laugh and joke with and she looks forward to seeing me because we're friends.





There's a lot of vulnerability in the relationship I'm in too. If the last couple of days hadn't worked out there would have been quite a bit of hurt. They're right too we do have to talk about our feelings because it's so easy to misinterpret what someone else is thinking. I find it quite difficult to open up but I'm going to have to because it's going to be very difficult if I can't.

I don't feel jealous. Instead there seems to be a new range of emotions forming.

I'm just learning about them.



I do sometimes think of them as a couple because they're living together rather than us being three separate people forming bonds between us all. I do tend to forget that they miss me too but they keep on reminding me.

Are they using me? No

Am I using them? No


Am I going to leave? No


Why should I leave people who care for me and who I'm starting to love.

Me, myself, I and other people

I know that I'm pretty hard headed really. If something needs to be done I'll get down and do it generally regardless. I have confidence in myself but I don't expect to get everything right. And I've met some nice people recently, some of them pretty tough people. I've also met some right shits but then that's par for the course isn't it. They don't get to me and they're usually pretty easy to read. I just think why bother because you ain't going to get to me. I've lived a life that makes that a little difficult to say the least.

Have been thinking about that in the last few days. Shit, you know, I've been through a lot in my life. Sometimes I think would I change it. Would I have wanted it to be easier. If it had been easier, if it had been different I wouldn't be the person I am now so I don't know. The person sitting here typing this would have different thoughts going through her head, reactions would be different I guess. I think, although I'm not all that comfortable with myself at times, I'm not that unhappy at where I am as a person. I've done things I wish I hadn't but I can't change that though one or two do haunt me sometimes. Not the daft things but one or two things that I would change for sure if I could put the clock back.

If I hadn't lived the life I have and found my way through things as they happened I would be different. I certainly wouldn't have the knowledge that I have. I would be very different wouldn't I. As I said I do wish I could change somethings and there are still things I'm not happy about me but I'm ok about being me and somehow I've got through the things I've experienced and seen without being scarred. I'm not bitter and I think it's made me sensibly compassionate.

I remember once in a class we were asked who we would like to be if we weren't ourselves and one guy said that he didn't want to be anyone but himself. Hehe .. that really impressed me. It's stuck in my mind all these years.

I wonder if he's lived his life with a lot of self knowledge.

Possibly.

So, there you are.

Can't believe how nervy I got today. Why?????????????

I guess it's maybe thinking about possibilities in the future that started the butterflies off.

Guess that's it isn't it.

Why

A lot of the things I've been involved with over the past few months kind of came to fruition today or are well on their way and everything I've done has gone right. People were congratulating me, saying it was amazing how much I know, how much confidence I've given people. You'd think it would be a good day but I just got more and more stressed out as the day went on and more things were going right. The more the day went on the more nervous I got and ended up with a tummy full of butterflies. It's not that I'm not pleased at how things have gone, I am, I almost shed a few tears of happiness at one point during the day. But things have changed and I guess I'm looking into the future a bit and just feel nervous. Maybe it'll take a few days for my brain to process all that's happened and then I'll be alright again.

I was pleased before just kind of assessing things as they were going on but today there it all was so that I couldn't avoid looking at so much of what I've done or helped to do and it was really quite scary.

There were other people talking about how I'd given them confidence and how well things were going, tears in the eyes of a couple of people as they looked at me, and while this was going on I just got more and more nervous.

I hadn't really thought of it before as I am now. Things were there to do so I did them.

My stomach is contracting just thinking about it now.

Yeah, maybe in a few days I'll be ok.

It's just a kind of change of perception as much as anything else I guess.

Getting better though

Playing two tracks over and over again. Bought the Express a couple of weeks ago and got a free Soul cd. Playing Martha (Reeves) and The Vandellas "Dancing In The Street" and Ike and Tina Turner "River Deep Mountain High". Singing along too, though my voice is quite weak at the moment, in tune, just quiet.

I suppose one way that I know that I'm getting better is when the music starts to get to me again. Not there at the moment.

Still not better

Still a bit clammy and muscles still tight and rigid. Tired as well but I haven't a temperature any more.

American Cosmo article

Reading that and reading Handbag has been making me think. Even though the article was saying that love makes you blind it's not really talking about love is it. It's talking about some kind of blind infatuation. On Handbag there was someone saying after I think it was a year of splitting up with someone - Even though he was a pr**k I still love him.

Really?!!! No wonder some people fall for the same type of person over and over again. I'd've thought after all that time the realization that he was a shit would've dawned and that the person might redefine what they thought of as love.

Tired

I'm still tired and a little bit feverish I think cause I still break out in a bit of a sweat occasionally but I am getting better.

Feel a bit depressed again. Maybe because I caught a glimpse of someone I know on the way home and thought they looked rather ill and I'd been reading the article on domestic violence in this month's Company magazine.


http://www.company.co.uk/cover_line2.html


What with that and reading Handbag makes you wonder if relationships are worth the bother if you're happy enough on your own.

Maybe they can be.

I wrote a long post about my relationship but then decided not to post it. We're still in the stage of discovering emotions and getting to know each other. Going down one eastern approach to relationships. I've got a couple of books to read, not that I really need them the way things are going. Read a post on hippy com from a guy who talked about this kind of thing too.

Goodge Street Station

Had to walk up an escalator yesterday that was broken and felt a bit puffed, not surprizing really as I'm feeling so ill I guess. and it wasn't just me as the young lad infront of me had to stop for a breather too. But, four years ago I used to walk up the very long, very steep spiral stair case at Goodge Street tube station (for fun!! .. and to prove that I could do it I guess) with no problems at all. I found a deeper tube station somewhere else and used their stairs too. Wow. The things lemuures do for fun. Used to go up carrying my bags too.

I realised today even without this bug I'd be stopping to catch my breath if I tried to walk up those stairs now. They're quite a shock for people who use them for the first time, though usually it's a sort of giggly shock. Sherpa Lemuure was always very encouraging.

Well, healthy eating is the first step.

Sadly got it right

There is someone on a board I read who was in a relationship. I've read quite a lot of her posts about it and felt rather uneasy though she seemed to think this guy was like heaven on earth. I really thought that he didn't sound as if he was that wonderful at all. Either she has some problems as well or subconsciously she realised things weren't as good as she was saying because she was quite sarcastic with him towards the end, which actually makes me think that she really wasn't as happy as she was saying. She also mentioned a couple of things he'd said that would've brought out those little red flags as far as I was concerned but she didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong.

Brain refers to American Cosmo article about how Falling In Love can make you blind to things that are going on.

I was right though. I didn't want to be but I thought things weren't as rosy as she was painting them.

Maybe he'll get back in touch later on. Who knows. But I didn't think it would work out from what she was saying. And I really felt guilty and a bit muddled for thinking that. There you go.

Feeling a bit better again

Head is still as whoozy as anything though. Back muscles very constricted as well and neck muscles are very tight. Heard today that someone else has been very ill with this bug, worse than me. Still, the healthy eating carries on. Actually felt a bit queasy looking at chocolate and crisps today and came back with a bag of good nourishing food. Saw an article in one of the papers about how eating well helps concentration and memory. Didn't read the article but might later on. It might be concentrating on fish oils from what I saw and that isn't of any use to me but it might go on to talk about vegan or veggie alternatives cause these artiles often do now. I know that healthy eating is good for the brain, it just follows really doesn't it cause the brain needs nutrients to function and if isn't getting the nutrients it needs it's not going to work so well.

My back is bad though.

Going back

Getting back to my normal eating habits and know that I'm going to feel much better for it. Guess it was just a spiral of not eating properly, feeling exhausted so carrying on not eating properly because I was too tired to bother.

Have to say though that I know a couple of other people who do look after their health who've been quite ill with this bug too.

I'm very tired, muscles still stiff and achy and I guess inflamed. Body feels as if it's been pulled out of place rather but that's just the condition of my muscles. Let's hope they heal soon. Head's still rather raw as well and it's affecting the way I think and my mood a bit.

Getting better I think

Eaten quite a bit today, most of it healthy food, and that's usually a sign that I've shifted the cold I've got and am starting to get better. Head is still quite slow though.

Had a talk with a friend today as well and yes I guess I am being silly. Cause that's what he said boiled down to. It's not a big deal really is it. I've been thinking about the genes and hormone splashes that evidently have got me here and while I'm not pleased about it it's hardly high on the list of major problems is it. It's a bit on the list of "If that's all you've got to worry about .......". Ah, well, it's not all I've got to worry about by a long way and thinking of the rest of it and other people's problems and general problems in the world it really isn't much is it.

It's good not to need to be in a relationship too. And I don't need to be in one which means if I choose to be with someone it's because I really want to be with them. Looking back though that might be age that's got me here. There's a wonderful article in this months US Cosmo about Love making you blind and ain't that true. Have to say, with one exception, I think the people I've slept with have been fine, just not right for me really.

Not that I've slept with that many. I'm very monogamous and I find the thought of casual sex really really totally boring.

Possibly defevered

But still not feeling at all well. Muscles are stiff, head is a bit tender and the thoughts wander around aimlessly and slow. This is a day to get on with practical things.


Adieu internet.

Caffeine

Caffeine in the diet coke

Caffeine in the chocolate


AND CAFFEINE IN THE PAIN RELIEF



There are things that lemmures need to know about in the city/town.



Or they will become very caffeinated indeed.

Healthy breakfast

Rice and seaweed ricecakes with humous

Soya yogurt

Fruit

Water

emotions

I hadn't understood the intensity of emotions for everybody.

Even though I feel so awful I'm glad we spoke this evening because I understand more how they feel. I was feeling a bit cut off before, I don't now.

Decaffeinated

How long it takes to remove caffeine from the system I don't know but there has been no caffeine around since that ill advised 2 litre bootle of Diet Coke (with tasty added lime) and the large bar of Green and Blacks.

Junk food today has been one bag of plain Hula Hoops. Dinner is about to be cooked in the oven. No sandwiches tonight.


Still feeling ill though. Muscles stiff and rather swollen. Raw head too.

Have felt a bit better at times during the day but again have got worse in the evening. I guess I'm just exhausted after the day.

Exhausted

Not been a good day. Bent over to get some rubbish ready for the bin men to collect and started some kind of sick tummy thing going. Sort of bowel cramps and dizzyness and on top of that a feeling that I was going to be sick. That lasted for about fifteen minutes and left me feeling tired and weak. Didn't get the rubbish out ofcourse as I wouldn't have risked picking anything up just incase it started the sickness and pain off again.

Guess it's just part of feeling ill generally. I do know a few other people who are feeling pretty ill at the moment so this bug is affecting other people quite badly too. But for myself I think I've only got myself to blame for it getting as bad as it has. I am totally decaffed today and junk food as been on a very low level. Dinner is going to be healthy to if rather late in the evening, better go and put it on actually as it's gone nine. Maybe I'll just have a soya slice sandwich, soya yoghurt and some salad. Don't really fancy cooking and that'll be quite nutritious. I say I don't fancy cooking, all I do is put a ready meal in the oven at the moment. Just tired out though and I'd rather just go and make a sandwich and get the meal over with.