Trust

I thought I'd lost a friend a couple of days ago. I thought she'd left without saying goodbye and I was very hurt. I was totally wrong. But thinking that she had gone made me feel very vulnerable and it really hurt. I thought that it might be a generation gap thing, she's a uni student, and although she's always saying that I'm her friend and that she values my friendship I thought perhaps she didn't so much as people her own age. Well, I was wrong. Yes, I just totally lost trust in someone for no reason at all. Now I feel a bit tearful and guilty because of my own behaviour, not that I said anything to anyone, it's just that I know myself that I thought these things about her. I mean we get on as if we were the same age except that she thinks that I'm very very wise which isn't quite the case I think. I think that she knows quite a lot that I don't which is probably how she should see me, but,no, she puts me in the v..e..r..y wise category. But the age gap thing has just gone in a friendship were we just get on very well and share the same sense of humour. But I thought she'd just gone because she didn't really consider me as much a friend as people her own age. I was very very wrong indeed. She really missed me and thought I knew where she was. She had actually told me but I hadn't picked up the dates properly.

I'm just wondering what that says about me. I guess I felt vulnerable in the friendship because of the age gap. I think I'm her only friend of my age too. And there is no vulnerability there because of the age gap. I had thought that up all on my own. She loves me as a very good friend to talk to and laugh and joke with and she looks forward to seeing me because we're friends.





There's a lot of vulnerability in the relationship I'm in too. If the last couple of days hadn't worked out there would have been quite a bit of hurt. They're right too we do have to talk about our feelings because it's so easy to misinterpret what someone else is thinking. I find it quite difficult to open up but I'm going to have to because it's going to be very difficult if I can't.

I don't feel jealous. Instead there seems to be a new range of emotions forming.

I'm just learning about them.



I do sometimes think of them as a couple because they're living together rather than us being three separate people forming bonds between us all. I do tend to forget that they miss me too but they keep on reminding me.

Are they using me? No

Am I using them? No


Am I going to leave? No


Why should I leave people who care for me and who I'm starting to love.