Well

I was quite sad because someone was really going to end up with a loss if I'd gone earlier, there didn't appear to be a way round it, but I found out today that because I've been up here longer than I expected things have worked out as we'd hoped.

There you go. It's made me feel a bit better, though I'd've rather it'd happened without me being ill but as I have been ill it's great that being up here longer has worked out this way.

Sticks post in right blog

As lemmuries don't do and then will do.

(This applies to a particular lemuure)


Sorting out the blogs.


"Just sorting my blogs back to how they should be. Don't feel like writing much at the moment but thought I'd mention that Amnesty International UK has updated their site.

http://www.amnesty.org.uk

Way t' go

Potters back to read it.

What if ............... ?

What if I had damaged my spine. There was a thread on Handbag about caring for someone if they needed to use a wheelchair. I think if I remember it was hoping that their partner would care for them. Talked about this a couple of days ago and decided that there wouldn't be a problem.

I know that everyone is different and has different needs and different disabilities but I used to know someone who had lost both her legs to the knees through gangrene. When I met her she must have been in her late 70s I should think and she lived with her husband in a house near to me. I used to stop and chat when she was sitting out in the front garden. Her husband died and she stayed in her home, she had a friend who used to go in everyday but otherwise she managed by herself and was independent to the extent that she didn't want the Social Services in to help. She used to amaze me.

I wouldn't have any problems at all with someone I cared for very much being dependent on me to whatever degree it would be.

I've only had one crush over someone on the net and that person is in a wheelchair. Didn't know to start off with but when I did it didn't change anything because the person was the same whether they were in a wheelchair or not.

Absolutely lovely.

Care2 and Amnesty

http://stopviolence.care2.com/

I guess most people that know me realise that I have a lot of respect for Amnesty International. I'm glad that things have moved on with them and they cover more issues these days. I can remember some of the problems when they did expand their interests. Not pretty at the time having to witness some people's bigotry and hatred. Not from Amnesty itself I have to add. Yeah, I have a lot of respect for Amnesty International because they focus on things that need to be kept in our minds and make an effort to do something about it.

Haven't always agreed with some of their advertising but have infinite respect for the organization.


Amnesty International

http://www.amnesty.org


Amnesty International UK

http://www.amnesty.org.uk

And today

Did go out. It seemed to nice a day to stay in. Yesterday I did rest, I think I'd come down with another cold and felt really tired again but today apart from my spine and some stiff muscles which I'm prone to anyway thanks to the bug that got my spine the first time round, the one that affected my memory, I seem ok again. I know my spine is going to take a while to heal and I'll be careful.

I only really accepted yesterday that resting meant lying down and finally put head in arms curled up and rested. I guess I was very lucky that the virus hadn't actually hit my spine that badly because if it had I could've ended up paralysed or with brain problems because of the way I was behaving. Think I've had a few very mild seizures. I've been aware of them as I've got better. I've noticed three but they've been very mild.

Anyway got back into my languages today. And feel different about learning. I was really pissed off that I was having to learn them again (and so what do I do when my spine is affected again?!!!!!!!!!!). But I felt really easy and interested in a fun kind of way today. Let's hope it lasts.

Right let's admit it.

I really was eating a bad diet. Couldn't really be bothered to cook half the time. How's about 600-700 calories a day in chocolate, that's quite a lot out of my days meals. And the rest wasn't that good either. And I often forgot to take my vitamin pill. And I'm a vegan which means I have to be careful about what I eat anyway.

So I was tired and just started off a viscious circle of being tired, eating rubbish and becoming more tired, eating even worse.................................................

Feeling a lot better again

Well, seems the healthy eating and resting is paying off because I feel a lot better again today. Still swollen up but I feel quite relaxed, was actually quite surprized at how relaxed I felt, and my mind is clear again though I'm tired.

Woke up last night thinking about the one click sites which is why I posted about them. Seems like things are going back to how they were before I decided to go down the malnutrition route.

I've been told how lucky I am to have come out of this ok. It was the lack of rest when my spine was bad that caused things to get out of control. And ofcourse that my body was having problems because I wasn't eating well. I have a weakness in my spine because I caught a bug that got in there once before. I was lucky then too though it caused a lot more trouble than this one has. Problems this time were really caused because I wouldn't rest. And the shitty diet.

Most people I know who got the bug were getting coughs and/or chest infections. Just went to my spine because of the weakness that's already there. I wasn't really affected in any other way cept got my muscles got tight .. but then I've a slight problem there too. So that wasn't out of the ordinary.

People told me about bugs they'd had that wouldn't clear until they took a few days off and stayed in resting. One person told me that she'd landed herself in hospital because she wouldn't rest.

(Did I listen? No)

Anyway I've got to take things easy for a couple of weeks. That's it.

Did go out today and ofcourse met people with colds. I've been clearing the last couple of colds without any problems except that they've made me tired again so let's hope if I do catch another one it'll be the same.

Free donation sites

Click for free to donate on The Hunger Site, Breast Cancer Site, Child Health Site and others here.

http://www.thehungersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites



Also, to donate for free with community projects

http://www.care2.com


And Dutch site where you can click to help Street children in Columbia

(click where it says Doneer gratis voor straatkinderen Columbia)

http://www.straatkind.nl

Tired, so ................... resting.

Sorted out food and papers this morning. Went for short walk. And have rested for most of the rest of the day. Read the papers, found a political board that looks interesting, listened to Buffy Sainte Marie,listened to/watched the Quo. And rested.

Unfortunately getting better isn't happening in a uniform way, it's difficult at times and tiring.Really have just kind of dozed for most of the day.

Tuesday

Well,I guess I'm getting better. Think I came down with another bug and that's clearing now. I've been resting reasonably well. Did walk up to Sainsburys on Sunday and then went and got some small saucepans to heat baked beans up in and to heat tinned tomatoes up with some herbs and spices. Got food in yesterday.

My mood's lifted a bit and the depression is like a physical feeling that just passes across the my forehead now,doesn't stay, so I guess the swelling's going down in my head.My spine is still pretty raw but there's more movement which does hurt so I'm takinga bit of pain relief. Once I wouldn't have done but I'm only taking a couple of pills during the day and it makes things a bit easier.

Hearing's a lot better, though my sight hasn't been too good at times, but isn't bad all the time so I guess it'll be ok.

I'm listening to Jeff Beck's Truth at the moment and letting the music work those brain cells.They say music can help if you're feeling ill.

I'm eating well now. Going out for a while but am not going to over do things.

quiet day

Probably just go out to get food and papers today. And start tidying the flat up again and getting things sorted out. I know that I mustn't do too much. My spine is still a bit tender but there's no pain as such anymore. It's just discomfort really. I still feel a bit raw and I guess that's going to take time to settle down.

Back on the Radio Netherlands news site. I'd been away for a while, still haven't read/listened to a lot on it and would like to hear every programme listed there. There are a lot of interesting programmes in English to listen to. At least I find them interesting.

Radio Netherlands

http://www2.rnw.nl/rnw/en


The language choice that comes down goes after the page has fully loaded. You can get it back by clicking on "other RN sites" if you're interested in the other languages.


I've been neglecting my languages for a while but bought a friend a language course last week as she wanted to learn and I realised that she'd missed out on the beginning of the courses. Sort of reminded me that I wasn't really bothering much anymore myself.I'll sort that out.

Though possibly not til I'm a bit better. Not sure what to do really. People keep on saying about resting as well as eating properly. I'm eating reasonably well now. Probably resting more than I was too I guess. But possibly not enough. Changing eating habits was much easier than resting.

Anyway go out and get food and papers. Will take a while and then sort this place out a bit but won't push myself.

Pootling off

Well, I'm getting some things ready for the solicitor tomorrow. It's all been delayed because I've been so ill. Take them down on Monday and get the process going again. I'll be here another three or four weeks I guess because of the illness. Still not well but a lot better this evening. A lot more of the swelling's gone down during the day. I felt a bit guilty about going out on the train this afternoon but it's been fine and I feel a lot better though the back of my head feels strange. (No two hour train delays today like last weekend, though that was a Sunday. Flipping heck man!!!)

I've been saying over the last few weeks that I'm not just going to pootle off and people won't hear from me again. I've made some good friends here, and though I might be quite an unorthodox friend in many ways I'm still a friend.I just go about it in different ways I guess because of my life experience. I'm not going to vanish.

And today "Aunty" Lemuure emerges ..... well, in two months time anyway.

Experience

I had a pleasant evening yesterday. I wasn't well, and was hallucinating very slightly because of the problems with my spine and head but apart from that it was a very nice evening. I've felt that I've been on another learning curve for the past few weeks, nothing to do with being ill, just with something else that's been going on in my life and yesterday evening learnt something about myself that totally surprized me. And scared me. Today I still felt surprized and rather unnerved, eyes were mentally twirling a bit. Funny really, I'm not that scared in situations where fear is the obvious reaction. I usually get pissed off or just try and relax if I know there's nothing I can do. I often don't see fear as an option because it gets in the way of clear thought if that's what's needed, and I can run just by sizing a situation up, and if there's nothing I can do I'd rather be a bit pissed off, but relaxed, than feeling fear. I'm probably like this because of all the experience of this kind of thing. But, here I am in a totally different kind of situation, that most people wouldn't connect to fear at all, and I'm scared. Anyway I'll continue learning but I realise that I'm seeing things differently than I was a few weeks ago, and today, for that matter, differently from how I saw them this time yesterday evening. Well, I have a new bit of knowledge to add to what I knew. And it really did take me by surprise though theoretically I should have known I guess. There've been a few surprizes these last few weeks along the same lines, that's why I say it's like a learning curve.

Drink and drug problems

They are deal breakers too but if I loved the person I would say how I felt and give them the chance to work the problem out if they wanted to. Though ofcourse if their starting heavy drinking or whatever had brought violence along with it I'd just go.

Deal breakers

Again from a board I'm a member of. Don't feel like posting there at the moment because I'm still so whoozy from this illness.

So, deal breakers in a relationship. What would make me want to call it a day?

The first thing I thought of was violence. And that's physical, mental or emotional violence. I mean there's no point being in a relationship if that's what's going on. I'd be out straight away.

Another thing. Reading a post on another board that I belong to brought this to mind. I'd be out of any relationship where discriminatory language against women was used. Just shows where the mindset is and I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt like that about me. It's difficult because it's so set in our language and I occasionally slip up, but I guess I can reclaim the words if I want, but really I don't want to and would rather find other ways of expressing myself. Also if there were any signs of that kind of mindset.

The same applies to racist views and language or anything along those or similar lines in a person's view of the world. Wouldn't stick around.

Nor would I be around if the person thought it was ok to be condescending. No point being there if that's the way they feel.

Unfaithfulness too.

Lack of compassion.

And there would have to be no smoking.



Anyway those are the first things I thought of. Haven't read the whole thread yet,maybe that'll make me think some more.

Refusal to talk things through I guess comes under emotional violence because it becomes a power over tactic. If people won't talk things through with you then there's not much chance of putting your side forward and there being a chance of compromise to make things work. If you don't talk you shut the other person out. But that would be one, been there before along with the mind games that go with it.



I'll read the thread tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see what other people have to say.

Muscles returning to normal

Woke up this morning feeling really raw but found that groups of muscles were shifting a bit. Nothing much happened again until this afternoon. Relaxed a bit on the train back and when I got off the train to walk home found that my muscles had decided that now was a good time to start shifting back into position. This meant ofcourse that I felt unsteady on my feet and that my lungs were working better as they relaxed a bit and taking in much more oxygen. By the time I got back here I was exhausted and light headed. I'm still swollen and I'm not well yet but things are improving.

Healthier eating

Well, I'm getting there. Haven't searched out the receipe that supposedly helped the chicken fight some infection or other. The article's on the BBC news site somewhere I think. I suppose there was some anti biotic action there if it had helped an ill chicken who had an infection of some sort.

I've got some spices in. I believe there are herbs that help reduce inflamation too which might be useful for me at the moment so I'll have to try and find out what they are. Really don't know much about herbs and spices.

I'm making sure that I eat enough protein at the moment. Have to watch it again as a vegan though if you eat a healthy diet you're ok there. You have to look into it all really. But viruses can literally knock holes in your cells so I need the protein to build those back up and to get my immune system on the mend again. Iron is needed to produce white blood cells too I believe.

Tibetan bracelets

I bought some Tibetan bracelets today from the 98p shop. Things like that are my anti depressants and other people like receiving them too and at 98p it's ok. I mean chocolate is in there too but in limited amounts now. I just like looking at the butterfly, and flower rings and the Tibetan jewellry. It's just for my eyes really. I'm an artist and I guess I just like looking at other peoples creativity when it's something I really like. It also makes me think of the countries involved.

I'd just started sketching again before this last illness became so bad. I have to say that I'm still not well but something has changed and I'm a lot better but still swollen and my muscles are still stiff but something has definitely changed for the better. Last thing I remember along those lines is sitting in the waiting room at Solihull station and wanting to sketch some of the people sitting there but then thinking that was really rather rude, you know,just sitting there drawing them, so I didn't.

Some of the things I buy from the 98p shop I buy for the beads and will eventually take them apart so that I can make jewellry myself. It's a lot cheaper than buying from craft shops. I buy things like butterfly earrings too that are just cascading with butterflies which I'll take apart. I mean they're lovely as they are but they also present lots of opportunities to make things myself.

Healthy eating

Well,it's obviously a must. I remember reading something over the last year about some form of fermented goulashy type dish maybe helping the immune system when attacked by a virus, in this case birds with bird flu. I've been thinking about it a bit today because obviously my mind is going over what's best to eat at the moment and wondered if there was any substance in the report because I haven't seen anything about it since the story first came out.

I'd thought about adding spices to my cooking anyway hopefully as an aid to my immune system while it's at a low point and remembering about that article made me wonder if you really could boost it up a bit with herbs and spices. There'd been a front page story in The Independent yesterday too about the shortage of the spice they use to make the anti viral drug that could possibly help protect against lung damage in the event that the expected flu pandemic will be a dangerous mutation. All the things combined, that first article, then the Independent's article yesterday and my limited knowledge of the effects of some spices as tonics for the body and possible anti bacterials just made me wonder if I can help my own immune system back to health with a bit of creative cooking.

I'm a lot better

Didn't think I'd be saying this but I'm a lot better. Felt ill this morning and achy and couldn't make up my mind what was happening. Went out for a while locally to get food and look at the market that arrives here every year in the run up to Christmas. Got the food, took it back because I'm not far away from the shops, then went back to look at the market,bought two ethnic/hippy type t shirts from one of the stalls there and had a talk with the woman who owns it. We've both lost family members recently so that made up the bulk of the conversation. It really was better in both cases that the people had died when they did because it spared them a lot of pain but you still wish that things could have been different. I told her about playing a cd just before my relative died that I thought was just a relaxation cd and was expecting waves gently lapping on the shore and that kind of experience. It turned out to be a meditational journey up a river to a place of peace. I was a bit worried about it when I heard what it was because I knew the other person listening hadn't got long to live and I was afraid that it might be an unhappy experience for her. But she became transfixed and seemed to think that it was something especially for her and of great importance. She didn't realise that it was just a cd playing, she had dementia and often thought that the relaxation cds where there were animal sounds meant that we were near a farm, and if there were waves lapping she thought we were near the sea. This cd transformed the last few days of her life and she became much more relaxed and it was almost as if it had prepared her for the next few days before she died. It certainly changed her outlook from fear to relaxation.

The whole day has been interesting though, with interesting people to talk to. I went out to town and am late back because there was an incident on the line which meant that the driver had to be changed and we had to go back to the previous station to pick up a relief driver. I don't know if the driver wasn't well, or more likely I guess because someone drove as back to the other station eventually to pick up the relief driver, that there had been some kind of incident on the track where it was decided that the driver shouldn't take the train any further. I don't know what happened, heard someone ask a member of the rail staff but he couldn't talk about it.

I read some of my European Community book, but really need reading glasses for print that small in artificial light so didn't read that much. Actually read some of the Economist guide to the EC rather than Politics of the European Community. I found what I read interesting.

I had a book by Ann Coulter in my bag as well. Felt embarressed buying that, probably hadn't been as embarressed since buying a book of Pat Califa's poetry that I found in a bargain bookshop. God,I squirmed. This time I did balance the Ann Coulter by buying a book called What's Wrong With America, which presents the American right from a different point of view from Ann Coulter. As I don't know that much about American politics at that level I thought reading from both sides would help even if it did mean that I had to brave the pay desk with the AC book. Unfortunately when I bought Pat Califa's book I couldn't find a book that would negate the message of the book I was buying at the cash desk and had to squirm away for a few minutes.

Got in almost two hours late because of the train incident so had to explain why I had been out on a Sunday when I'm meant to be resting and not there when the phone rang. But this time I could truthfully say that I'm feeling a lot better, though that might not have been the whole truth when I set out.

Right, off to put the veggie chilli on.

Absolutely freaking tired

I'm really tired but it feels more of a healthy tiredness than the exhaustion coupled with pain or discomfort that I've been feeling for a while in the evenings.

Didn't want to talk much this evening cause I'm so tired. I'm still quite swollen up and that's still occasionally causing the sort of teary feeling. I feel the irritation and then the depression heads in but it's nowhere near as bad as it was.

Ah,I had to go and rest and I've been asleep for six hours, still feel exhausted though.

I warned people yesterday that if they got a bug and then got a painful spine to go to see their doctor. I have a weakness there from a previous bug so I'm prone to problems like this but this time it really got out of hand.

Going to see if I can get some more sleep.

Lucky

Well, yeah. Someone took great lengths to tell me how lucky I've been to come out of this illness like I have. I know. I know what was wrong with me and I know that I'm very lucky indeed given the physical stress I heaped on myself on top of the illness. I'm still tired and there's still a bit of pain and my muscles aren't quite back to normal yet but there's enough going on to let me know they're sorting themselves out.

I'm eating reasonably and I know as a vegan thatI have to eat a good diet anyway. Also laughter is meant to be a good therapy isn't it. I can reduce myself to fits of laughter quite easily (and other people) and my mind seems to be becoming quite creative again as I get on with everyday life. I believe it's meant to help in recovery. And other people help too.

Sleep. Well, that's still a bit of a problem. Has been for years thanks to a virus I caught that messed around with my sleep centre. Before that I'd always been a good sleeper but went for ages just getting around three hours sleep a night after the virus. I can still remember the buzzing and shrieking in my head from the fever that messed up my brains sleep centre. I've never properly recovered but I sleep better than I did. And I can meditate to get extra rest and refresh myself.

Fortunately I don't seem to get bacterial infections when I have a virus, no chest infections or anything like that. Sometimes think it might be because I haven't lived in pristine conditions and my body is reasonably used to having good defences there and has seemed to prioritise them over viral defences. I don't think I've ever had a chest infection. Can't ever remember having any nasty gunge.

Still I didn't need telling this morning to realise how lucky I've been coming out of this illness like this. I'm really aware of the situation.But thankyou to the person who was so concerned.

I think I've another cold

People I know are sniffling again so I guess I'd started feeling worse again because I've picked up that cold as well. It'd be a surprise if I hadn't at the moment. Actually feeling a bit better again this evening. Yesterday evening was not good as the back of my head had been affected again and felt bad because it was still very tender from the first bug. I still feel ill and have no idea how long it'll take before my muscles are back to normal again but I'm much better than last night. I'm pretty sure it was just another bug bringing me down again.

Eating reasonably. So there you go.

........................

I'm just slow at the moment. Speech, thoughts. Try and get some rest.

The weather

Apparently there was a high of 24 degrees in London today, with a predicted high of 22 degrees tomorrow. Ah well. I was reading in the paper today that some areas of Spain are having their first rainfall for a year and it's not very much.

Think I read that George Bush has at least started a campaign to make American citizens more aware of the issue of global warming and giving them information about the things they can do in their own lives to cut down emissions that contribute to the current situation. Well, I take it that The Independent took over the role the government should be playing here when it issued it's two part magazines to give people information about the state of the planet as a whole and giving facts about what people could do that could cut down on contributing to global warming. But how many people did that reach? Why isn't there a sustained campaign by the government to educate people. It's not as if what's happening is going to be something you can hide. It's moving on past that now. But maybe if enough people on this planet, including the 60 million or so in this country, become more aware there could be quite some damage limitation to aim for.

feeling much better

Well, I'm feeling much better. I'm tired now but at least it's taken the whole of a rather busy day to get me here. Bit depressed but I can feel what's physically causing it in my head now so I guess that means that things are on the mend. There's a sort of physical irritation that's come on with the tiredness and the slight depression's started again. I'm still swollen up but the noise in my head when some muscles move is nothing like it was.

At least I'm eating ok again. I've no problem with reasonably healthy eating, I just got into a cycle of being exhausted and not bothering to cook and ofcourse started a vicious circle off. Now got to wait until my body sorts out my immune system again before I feel better. I do have an underlying illness but it's not what's caused this.

Coincidence and Likely Stories

Listening to Buffy Sainte Marie's "Coincidence and Likely Stories" The music, her voice and the lyrics are an amazing combination.

The Priest Of The Golden Bull

http://www.creative-native.com/lyrics/prieslyr.htm



The Big Ones Get Away

http://www.creative-native.com/lyrics/bigones.htm



The whole combination is so atmospheric.


The lyric index page for the cd

http://www.creative-native.com/albums/coin.htm

Surely not..........

It seems that some people believe the Quo storyline in Coronation Street is true rather than just a made up bit of fiction.

Surely people can't be that weird.


As far as I know we're not talking about people who are considered to have a mental illness that might make them think in this way.

Frolics off........

Frolics off to admit to love of The Quo's music on a message board.

It's been difficult

I'm so used to being in control of myself that the last few days have come as quite a revelation. Well, I was in control in as much as I wasn't doing anything unusual. But, I was going through quite an emotional upheaval, a sort of tearful depression, though I didn't cry because I don't. It's a relief to find out that it was just the result of exhausting myself while quite ill and as the pain from the swelling goes I'm just going back to what I'm used to as being me.

I didn't like feeling so vulnerable.

Glad it's gone.

Perhaps next time I'll rest.

Feeling better .... (almost)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just the back of my head that feels a bit sensitive now. Considering I went out again today I suppose I'm lucky really. I'm still swollen up, it's just that it's not feeling so bad anymore. And it is the illness that's making me so tired and what's for me, over emotional. Guess it's probably to do with the strain I've physically put my body under while I've been ill as much as being ill in itself.

Diet is healthy again. Even forgot to buy any chocolate today. Think I was a bit too transfixed by the metal belt I got from the Chinese shop with little dangling guitars. Same price as usual. Also will keep the rings that look like lotus blossoms. The pink ones because they are lotusy, but will keep a rainbow one as well.

Still feel sort of vaguely Buddhist in philosophy, and it's something to use as a guide if I get a bit away from where I want to be. So lotus blossoms it is and my Buddha beads from the 98p shop. Shouldn't need them really I guess.

I bought some of the belts as presents, but left a couple and was pleased I did because a young woman bought one of them while I was there. She plays guitar.

At the moment I'm watching/listening to this:

http://www.dvd4music.com/onlineshop/details/00710254-5980154-2.html


Was listening to listening to/watching (I play it on the puter) it yesterday too when I should've been reading this:

http://www.oup.co.uk/oxfordtextbooks/politics/george-bache


Tonight I'll be reading.

Woolly

Woke up feeling woolly, the bug again, and I've been tired all day. Still suffering from some kind of exhaustion I think because I'm not in charge of my emotions in the way I usually am. Think I feel the need to just rest from time to time and start feeling emotional if I don't.

Strange old day anyway. Puter is just left for now and I'll deal with it when I've moved. Will get in touch with Packard Bell for the parts I need for this one to get it back to what it was again.

I'm so tired. Today, did shopping for food. Got papers. Went out for a while, got wet, suppose it was good that I was wearing the velvet Mary Janes because even when wet they're still comfortable, though I need to dry them now so that they don't start smelling musty. Got on a really slow bus, slow because of the traffic, and that took quite a while out of my day really.

Maybe I'm just feeling general world angst as well. I mean I have to at times don't I. Someone said to me when I was a teenager that it'd be better not to know too much about the world. Too late now. Experienced enough to be able to put myself in other peoples situations too. I have no illusions left on the down side. Again it'll take my mind a couple of days to process that. It's generally the same.

The fluey bug has depressed me, it's affected my mind, but I know that's not unusual. I just hope that it's not going to turn into some Post Viral Syndrome type situation that'll drag on.

I'm starting to react to what's going on in my mind at the moment and really it's just putting details into some of the things I was thinking about before.Expanding on things that'd been going through my mind. Well, starting to. Wondering what the options are for putting some of my own experience to really good use. I'm aware of some of the options but realise there must be a lot more.

Anyway, let that line of thinking develop at it's own pace or it'll be hard to cope with at the moment because of the exhaustion. Going through the options and why they're options isn't the easiest thing to think about.

And putting it in perspective by being aware of some of the amazing things I know people have done. But I've got to take all this thinking slowly.

breakfast

soya yogurt and sandwich with soya strips and marmite

(and two squares of chocoolate .. purely for health reasons ofcourse)

Actually the choccie seemed rather rich but my tummy is a bit sensitive this morning.

Tomorrow

I have to sort out my new computer.

Sincerely

Lemuure.


P.S Must also get glue and tweezers or some kind of jewellry making kit to put tiny stones back in rings.

Again shamelessly nicked from another board (where I'm a member!!)

http://www.umich.edu/news/index.html?Releases/2005/Jul05/r071805b

Study finds that women connect sex with submission

and it impacts on how they feel and gets in the way of enjoyment.


That's just so sad. But reading the bag and seeing how people were hanging round for texts and reading about how some people behave I had started to wonder about this myself.

I don't and I think if I did the test my results wouldn't show that result because I don't.

My sexuality is bound up with enjoying sharing physical and emotional feelings. The latter being one of the reasons I haven't been interested in casual sex. There are others but that's one of them. I think being with women and imagining what they were feeling has probably made me the way I am. When I started feeling like that it made me understand more about stone butches too. I find it really powerful. Makes me quite vulnerable because of that but not submissive.

Lost the exchange of emotion in the way I mean for a while.

I must admit I'm not one for submissive behaviour anyway. Someone was talking about their mum and dad a little while ago and saying how happy they are, always holding hands and being affectionate but this person also said that her mum was totally compliant to her father. I could feel my eyeballs starting to rotate. I suppose it could be a relationship that exists for a power exchange of that kind. I don't understand those either but I know some people enjoy them. I'm obviously not one of them. I like equality in relationships understanding that there has to be give and take to get there.

The article made me feel sad though.

Handbag

Handbag has answered a lot of my questions about relationships and sexuality while I've been reading it. I must admit I wouldn't put up with a lot of the things that people seem to there, would've done once maybe, but not anymore. Would rather be alone.

I've read that women can often find themselves happier out of a relationship situation. At the moment I'm very relaxed about the situation I'm in. People who know me seem a lot happier about it than about my last relationship too. I'm surprized that people generally have reacted the way they have but there you go. Though things often seem to end in a lot of giggling.

So far it's just been fine. No arguments because of talking everything out. You know, well, hush my mouth. And it's possible they might've saved my sanity and maybe even my life because they've detraumatised me so much.

Well...............

Tonight it's brown rice, lentils with ginger and garlic and carrots. No more chocolate today.

Then chat on the phone and then ......................... starting a book about the Institutions of the European Union. Actually I don't mind at all cause I don't have to remember it in detail so it's just going to be interesting without having any stress about learning. I'll remember enough. Know quite a bit anyway. It's kind of interesting but it'd be different if I was having to remember lots of it. It's quite a thick book. That would pile the stress on a bit cause the brain hasn't recovered from the bug yet and just wouldn't be up to it.


I'm still quite swollen up but there's movement. When I move the muscles a bit in my head I can hear pops and cracks from them. Guess I've been quite ill. But I'm getting better.

Amsterdam

On a board I said that I'd like to spend some time in Amsterdam. And I probably will. Though not dividing time up berween London and Amsterdam over the next six months, the thread was about travelling over six months. I've no desire to go travelling at all other than that. Don't do holidays because they just don't appeal though did contemplate going to Madagascar for a while after reading so much about it.

Probably will spend some time in Amsterdam soon though.

Gets Van Dale cd rom out. They'll just have to cope with my Nederlish. Half and half for the time being.

Chocolate

I've eaten my chocolate for the day. Bloke suggested that I still eat some because the virus has left me a little depressed and chocolate has some sort of anti depressant qualities. But I can feel that I'm getting better too, it's just been a combination of tiredness and having this flu type bug. Still I'll go for the chocolate option. Can't be too bad as long as I only eat a bit.

Am back to eating healthily. And green lentils are my favourite food. So there we are. And that's what I'll be eating tonight.

Integrity

Probably can't even spell it right. But that's what I'm working for and it's what the last few days have made me think about. It's really about building up self respect because if you have that then you're going to be aware of how you behave generally and try to keep inside moral boundaries.

My bug has almost gone. And after finding out how it'd affected a few other people I didn't have it that badly believe it or not. There've been a few bad chest infections around. I tend not to get chest infections, infact don't think I've ever had one. Don't know why that is.

Anyway. now that it's gone I've found myself a stronger person again. Guess it's dealing with things. Growing those connections in the brain again. I did read this week just how long it takes to establish a connection, someone was talking about it on one of the boards I read and it's not that long really, though longer from when I got annoyed over what had happened.

I don't want to opt for easy options when there's a real principle at stake. I once said to someone that I've never been a syncophant and I never will be but at times you do have to give yourself a bit of a talking to if you start to think that the easy route but not the very obviously morally correct one might be an option just because it'd make things easier for you.

Feeling much better

Still not well but feeling much better. The inflamation and swelling is going down. You'd think the muscles had been swollen up for ages as it feels a bit crampy every time they get a bit more movement back. My brain is obviously secreting loads of something because I feel so relaxed. There's pain, the cramping feeling isn't very pleasant but it comes and goes as the muscles start to become more relaxed and flexible again. My body's been doing a lot of very deep breaths without any conscious motivation from me as the flexibility comes back to my lungs too. Don't know if the relaxation is something to do with meditation and things because I'm extremely relaxed in a situation which isn't very relaxing. Have just felt kind of warm and cozy while it's been going on.

Pasta

Have bought it. The saucepans have been replaced. I'm moving and had given them away but have bought a couple of new ones so that I can do the pasta and veg and lentils and other healthy foods.

I feel better but am still not well so this evening I'm having a lentil curry ready meal with some salad and spinnach and bread which is ok.

Just needed to pull myself out of the cycle I'd got into.

Still tired though.

Being manipulated into the comfort zone

It would be so easy ..... for a while. It's like lying on a water bed and then the water runs out and you find yourself in a very uncomfortable place.

I've been quite ill, think I'm starting to get better again. The bug had gone to my heart as well as my spine. I still feel very uncomfortable but I take a couple of painkillers in the morning and it's ok. The tightness isn't as bad as it's been for a couple of days and my heartbeat's back to normal again. Muscles are still rather stiff though.

I'm not very good at looking after myself. Actually I guess that should read .. I guess I'm bloody awful at looking after myself where food and rest are involved anyway. It's kind of like What's that you've eaten!!!! ( sigh). You've been up 18 hours, walked 20 miles, lived off chocoolate and crispies and you've got the flu..... (quickly hides the fact that I did something similar the day before too).

I'm a bit feral in some ways but possibly not as much as I was, though that might be some delusion because of the bug I've had. I think maybe the thought of rest just appealed to me for a while. I woke up a couple of days ago and thought I'd like to die just to get some rest. It just was so appealing. Rest, no more f*cking stress and fighting. I realised then that I might be becoming vulnerable to friendliness that wasn't really friendliness at all but a kind of manipulation into a comfort zone where I'd become complacent about things and end up not really bothering anymore.

I wasn't sure what was happening. My inner alarm system went off. Took a couple of days to work through. Coupled with a bit of depression probably brought about because my heart had been affected and that can cause depressive symptoms. And I'd hardly slept for days, again because of this wretched bug.

Compared it to the same day a few weeks ago.

Huh?

Very very bemused indeed and not at all easy.

Feeling cut off

I know it's just exhaustion and having had the bug but I feel kind of distanced from everything at the moment. I've wondered if I'm going to come out of this different again. I know that some changes are going on and I know that experiences can map the brain to some extent. Just have to wait and see, won't I.

Being in a different headspace seems to have lead some people to believe that I might be easy to manipulate at the moment. Can't believe that anyone could believe that I'm easy to manipulate at any time, but there you go. Still they really have f*ck all to do with me. If they want to waste their time that's their business.

I've been thinking about the woman who was back to blog. She's with a great bloke. You know, someone that really makes you take notice. It's really good because she's sure been through some troubles. And now some more and it's good to know that someone like him's around. Unlike the other creeps she'd been out with before. He sure is one cool dude and then some.

I think I'm just going through some form of cynicism at the moment too which is being rather muted and perhaps a little distorted by my tiredness. The cynicism is in the right place but the way I'm experiencing it seems different and I think it's just down to tiredness. Time will tell though.

Just have to see how things go. Perhaps I need a cut off point for a while.

I think there might've been a bit of patronising shit going down too. I mean can you even begin to imagine? I mean they must be off this planet. Y'know people who if they had to deal with just a bit of what I have in my life would just f*cking keel over in the breeze.

Anyway think I better go and at least try to get some sleep. Flipping bug's messed up my sleep patterns a bit too.

More wallpaper

http://www.lastrefuge.co.uk/photolibrary/sp_ringtailed_lemur.htm

So sad

I've written about someone who used to blog. I missed her even though I just read her blog and didn't comment. Well, she's back and the news ain't good. Just glad she's with that guy now. If things had been how they were before it doesn't bear thinking about.

Madagascar wallpaper

http://www.savethelemur.org/backgrounds.htm


Extra wallpaper apart from the one I sometimes use

At the moment ...................

Listening to a cd that came free with Uncut sometime ago, "Acid Daze". It's got Nirvana's "Rainbow Chaser"on it, track 4, which is nice. Listening to Syd Barrett's "Octopus" at the moment which I'm really not into at all. The cd is subtitled "18 Psychedelic Classics From The UK Underground". Interesting to see that Status Quo have made it onto the cd with "Ice In The Sun". The cd ends a couple of tracks later with Donovan's "Atlantis"

Think the bug's gone but I'm still stiff though not in as much pain. Back to healthy eating too. It's not as if I don't know a lot about nutrition, got quite into studying it when I became a vegan and I know how not getting the right vitamins and minerals is going to affect my white blood cells and my immune system.

Still exhausted but hope I feel a bit better soon.


The Pink Fairies track (Never Never Land) is good. Yeah, I liked that. Some of the cd has been a bit difficult though I know it's just a matter of personal taste.