Being manipulated into the comfort zone

It would be so easy ..... for a while. It's like lying on a water bed and then the water runs out and you find yourself in a very uncomfortable place.

I've been quite ill, think I'm starting to get better again. The bug had gone to my heart as well as my spine. I still feel very uncomfortable but I take a couple of painkillers in the morning and it's ok. The tightness isn't as bad as it's been for a couple of days and my heartbeat's back to normal again. Muscles are still rather stiff though.

I'm not very good at looking after myself. Actually I guess that should read .. I guess I'm bloody awful at looking after myself where food and rest are involved anyway. It's kind of like What's that you've eaten!!!! ( sigh). You've been up 18 hours, walked 20 miles, lived off chocoolate and crispies and you've got the flu..... (quickly hides the fact that I did something similar the day before too).

I'm a bit feral in some ways but possibly not as much as I was, though that might be some delusion because of the bug I've had. I think maybe the thought of rest just appealed to me for a while. I woke up a couple of days ago and thought I'd like to die just to get some rest. It just was so appealing. Rest, no more f*cking stress and fighting. I realised then that I might be becoming vulnerable to friendliness that wasn't really friendliness at all but a kind of manipulation into a comfort zone where I'd become complacent about things and end up not really bothering anymore.

I wasn't sure what was happening. My inner alarm system went off. Took a couple of days to work through. Coupled with a bit of depression probably brought about because my heart had been affected and that can cause depressive symptoms. And I'd hardly slept for days, again because of this wretched bug.

Compared it to the same day a few weeks ago.

Huh?

Very very bemused indeed and not at all easy.